I've decided that I'm not very good at this blog thing. But I like being able to vent so I'm gonna keep at it. I'm sorry.
Went to Florida with Jo thus past weekend to see Zach. His parents and grandma were there, it was nice but I'd like some family time without them.
Speaking of Zach, we seem to be doing amazing well since my revelation. When I started truly wanting him to happy have everything he wants things got easier. When I quit being selfish and actually wanted to give him the world, my world opened up and got a whole lot brighter. I don't think I loved him this much when I proposed to him. That was still more of an infatuation. This is a whole new, deep, trusting, primal kind of love. Like my world revolves around him (and Jo of course) and I don't matter anymore. It's breathtaking.
Sorry I keep getting gooey and deep. I just never thought I'd love him again, if I ever even did to begin with. This is exciting for me. I'll change get the subject. How about my new hobby? I've become quite addicted to painting my nails. I'll see if I can get a few shots up of some stuff I've tried. Some of my attempts turned out decent, some not so much. Anyway, it keeps my nails pretty and keeps me from breaking them off.
Update:
See next post for nail pictures!
Friday, February 28, 2014
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
This shit is hard.
No one ever tells you that a good portion of your marriage will be spent infuriated, inhaling a cigarette and a glass of wine. Welp, it will. But we suck it up, apologize (even when we know we're right) and get on with our lives. Sometimes just for the make-up sex, sometimes just to get your partner to shut up, but most of the time it's because we can't stand fighting with them. The thought of saying or doing something to them you know you'll regret puts a knot in your stomach you can't shake. Because every snide remark, stab at your in-laws, and comment about how they've put on a few pounds puts another tiny little notch in the riff between you two that will inevitably turn into a vast Canyon if they don't subside.
I guess I'm saying all of this because I have finally realized that I really, truly love my husband. He is angry, confusing, dirty, irritating and absolutely wonderful. He is human. He tries so, incredibly hard to make me and our daughter happy. I don't deserve his love. I deserve to grow old all alone. I'm selfish and unforgiving and horrible. I am human. But for some reason, God chose him to love me. And he does a damn good job of it.
It's hard being a military family. It's especially hard being a happy military family. Because it's hard to be a family when someone is always gone. I think that's why it's so hard for me to let go of all of my selfish impulses. It's hard to give up on what I want for someone that'd never there. But he seems to do it even when he's not here so maybe my lazy ass should try a little harder Huh?
I feel like I'm going in circles now, rambling about how hard it all is. The point is, I don't think it needs to be. All I need to do it remember that he, too, is a child of God. He is magnificent in all of his flaws because they are what make my Zach, Zach. All I need to do is look at him now and I'll remember how blessed I am to call him my husband. Isn't that what we all want?
I was looking at my phone a little while ago and a picture of Jo sleeping on Zach popped up and I thought about how he doesn't appeal to me anymore. I started looking at him trying to see what other people see when they tell me he's handsome and I finally started seeing the beauty in all of the things I always saw as flaws. God made every single thing about him therefore every single thing is beautiful. In my eyes God was just waiting on me to fix my relationship with Him before I could fix my relationship with Zach.
I'm always so hesitant to bring anything about religion up to Zach. He quit believing a long time ago so I felt like fixing us through God wouldn't work if it was just me. I see now that it's not true. I need to fix me through God which will, in turn, fix us. So if I keep my eyes on God everything else will fall in to place.
I guess I'm saying all of this because I have finally realized that I really, truly love my husband. He is angry, confusing, dirty, irritating and absolutely wonderful. He is human. He tries so, incredibly hard to make me and our daughter happy. I don't deserve his love. I deserve to grow old all alone. I'm selfish and unforgiving and horrible. I am human. But for some reason, God chose him to love me. And he does a damn good job of it.
It's hard being a military family. It's especially hard being a happy military family. Because it's hard to be a family when someone is always gone. I think that's why it's so hard for me to let go of all of my selfish impulses. It's hard to give up on what I want for someone that'd never there. But he seems to do it even when he's not here so maybe my lazy ass should try a little harder Huh?
I feel like I'm going in circles now, rambling about how hard it all is. The point is, I don't think it needs to be. All I need to do it remember that he, too, is a child of God. He is magnificent in all of his flaws because they are what make my Zach, Zach. All I need to do is look at him now and I'll remember how blessed I am to call him my husband. Isn't that what we all want?
I was looking at my phone a little while ago and a picture of Jo sleeping on Zach popped up and I thought about how he doesn't appeal to me anymore. I started looking at him trying to see what other people see when they tell me he's handsome and I finally started seeing the beauty in all of the things I always saw as flaws. God made every single thing about him therefore every single thing is beautiful. In my eyes God was just waiting on me to fix my relationship with Him before I could fix my relationship with Zach.
I'm always so hesitant to bring anything about religion up to Zach. He quit believing a long time ago so I felt like fixing us through God wouldn't work if it was just me. I see now that it's not true. I need to fix me through God which will, in turn, fix us. So if I keep my eyes on God everything else will fall in to place.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Bitter and tired.
For some reason my daughter, who never wakes up before 0830 at the absolute earliest, decided 0545 was a good time to get up today. I know, I know, a lot of people are up by then if not earlier for work and all that. Well I've done it too and I don't like it. I like sleep and now I'm tired and cranky. That's by bitter moment for the day. Let's see if I can't find something interesting to write about.
Ordered Call of Duty: Ghosts yesterday so I can play my husband in Florida. But that's not that interesting.
Finger painted with Jo yesterday! Again, not that interesting.
Going to see Brad Paisley at the Rodeo next month. That'll be interesting when it happens.
I got nothin'. I'll try again when I'm not mad at a 2 year old for waking me up.
Ordered Call of Duty: Ghosts yesterday so I can play my husband in Florida. But that's not that interesting.
Finger painted with Jo yesterday! Again, not that interesting.
Going to see Brad Paisley at the Rodeo next month. That'll be interesting when it happens.
I got nothin'. I'll try again when I'm not mad at a 2 year old for waking me up.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Heads up, this is depressing.
Yesterday I told you I would tell you what it was like to have to move back in with your parents. I feel like I don't really need to do that. Anyone can imagine how shitty it is without my having to rehash it for you. It sucks. Not to mention that I have an 8 year old sister I'm living with too. Don't get me wrong, she's absolutely fantastic at keeping Jo occupied most of the time. MOST of the time. Which means sometimes they don't get a long. Those times suck. But, again, I don't feel like reliving those moments. This is supposed to be a refuge, isn't it?
Instead, I think I'll talk about something slightly more depressing. What's more depressing than moving back in with your parents you ask? Finding out that the baby you've been so excited about isn't there. Yup. Yesterday the Dr. couldn't find any baby on the ultrasound. He couldn't a few weeks ago either but had said it may have just been too early. After that I think I knew, in my heart, that it wasn't too early. He wasn't going to find one next time either. He didn't. I think the few weeks between ultrasounds was enough precessing/grieving time because it didn't hurt as badly this time around as it did last time (when he first told me I may have miscarried.) So my time is now occupied with waiting for something to happen. The plan is to let it pass naturally so it's just a waiting game now. I think that's going to be the hard part.
Now that I've successfully depressed everyone reading this, my computer decided it's time to die. I'll see y'all next time.
-Shelby
Instead, I think I'll talk about something slightly more depressing. What's more depressing than moving back in with your parents you ask? Finding out that the baby you've been so excited about isn't there. Yup. Yesterday the Dr. couldn't find any baby on the ultrasound. He couldn't a few weeks ago either but had said it may have just been too early. After that I think I knew, in my heart, that it wasn't too early. He wasn't going to find one next time either. He didn't. I think the few weeks between ultrasounds was enough precessing/grieving time because it didn't hurt as badly this time around as it did last time (when he first told me I may have miscarried.) So my time is now occupied with waiting for something to happen. The plan is to let it pass naturally so it's just a waiting game now. I think that's going to be the hard part.
Now that I've successfully depressed everyone reading this, my computer decided it's time to die. I'll see y'all next time.
-Shelby
Monday, February 3, 2014
First-time blogger.
Ok. I've been trying to get in to the whole "blog" thing for a while now. I'll feel inspired, start a blog and then never write anything. Not. One. Word.
Oh wait! I just did! That's a first.
My name is Shelby. I was in the United States Navy from June of 2010 until May of 2013. Not terribly long, I know, but it was long enough to change my life forever.
My husband Zach has been in since 2008 and is currently in Pensacola attending his 3rd A school. Our daughter, Jo, and I are living with my parents again in Houston.
Let's go ahead and call this blog what it is: An escape from hell. My way out. My lifeline.
because honestly, what self-respecting person wants to be married with a 2 year old and a great big life of their own and back living with mommy and daddy? No one. That's who.
This whole debacle started when I decided to go to my cousin's wedding in Oklahoma. I was going to take Jo and drive to Tulsa for the wedding on October 19th. Then we would drive to Houston to visit with my parents and sisters for a week or two before making the trek back to San Diego to be together for Thanksgiving. (We were currently living in San Diego by the way, in case you didn't pick that up...) All was going according to plan. We had made it to Houston, been there for a few weeks and we're planning on heading back to SD in about 4 days or so. Welp, Monday morning my mom wakes me up at about 06:30. She was holding out her cell phone saying Zach was on the line. My mind, of course, jumped immediately to the worst possible conclusions. Either he'd been in an accident of some kind (but then why weren't the police calling instead of him?) or he'd been called underway (I wasn't completely wrong). He'd just gotten orders.
I guess I should've mentioned before that we'd been impatiently waiting for his orders since July/August time frame. Being told weekly, if not daily that it'd be "any day now."
Not only had he FINALLY gotten orders, but he had to report to school in Pensacola no later than November 23rd. It was already November something when I got that call. Can't, for the life of me, remember the date but you get the picture. Roughly 2, 3 weeks at MOST to have our entire life packed, planned and moved. The next few days were spent arguing about whether or not it was worth putting our 2 year old through another 20ish hour drive when we'd have to come right back to Houston a week later. In the end we stayed here and he settled everything in SD. Of course keys and garage door openers were overnighted and we kept Skype in business deciding what to pack. He handed over the keys to our house on November 15th and, I'd say never looked back but I'd be lying. The next day he hopped in his 2001 Ford Explorer that he'd bought for about that much the year before. 7 miles down the 8 his transmission blew on him. So he kind of had to look back. He junked the car, I booked him a flight, and the greatest friends you could ever hope to have agreed to keep all of the shit he'd packed in the car until the came to Houston for Christmas.
Anyway. I'm tired and feel very well vented as of right now so I'm gonna call it a night.. Next time I'll tell you what it's like to live with your parents with a kid and no car for 4 months!
Because I'm sure people care...
Oh wait! I just did! That's a first.
My name is Shelby. I was in the United States Navy from June of 2010 until May of 2013. Not terribly long, I know, but it was long enough to change my life forever.
My husband Zach has been in since 2008 and is currently in Pensacola attending his 3rd A school. Our daughter, Jo, and I are living with my parents again in Houston.
Let's go ahead and call this blog what it is: An escape from hell. My way out. My lifeline.
because honestly, what self-respecting person wants to be married with a 2 year old and a great big life of their own and back living with mommy and daddy? No one. That's who.
This whole debacle started when I decided to go to my cousin's wedding in Oklahoma. I was going to take Jo and drive to Tulsa for the wedding on October 19th. Then we would drive to Houston to visit with my parents and sisters for a week or two before making the trek back to San Diego to be together for Thanksgiving. (We were currently living in San Diego by the way, in case you didn't pick that up...) All was going according to plan. We had made it to Houston, been there for a few weeks and we're planning on heading back to SD in about 4 days or so. Welp, Monday morning my mom wakes me up at about 06:30. She was holding out her cell phone saying Zach was on the line. My mind, of course, jumped immediately to the worst possible conclusions. Either he'd been in an accident of some kind (but then why weren't the police calling instead of him?) or he'd been called underway (I wasn't completely wrong). He'd just gotten orders.
I guess I should've mentioned before that we'd been impatiently waiting for his orders since July/August time frame. Being told weekly, if not daily that it'd be "any day now."
Not only had he FINALLY gotten orders, but he had to report to school in Pensacola no later than November 23rd. It was already November something when I got that call. Can't, for the life of me, remember the date but you get the picture. Roughly 2, 3 weeks at MOST to have our entire life packed, planned and moved. The next few days were spent arguing about whether or not it was worth putting our 2 year old through another 20ish hour drive when we'd have to come right back to Houston a week later. In the end we stayed here and he settled everything in SD. Of course keys and garage door openers were overnighted and we kept Skype in business deciding what to pack. He handed over the keys to our house on November 15th and, I'd say never looked back but I'd be lying. The next day he hopped in his 2001 Ford Explorer that he'd bought for about that much the year before. 7 miles down the 8 his transmission blew on him. So he kind of had to look back. He junked the car, I booked him a flight, and the greatest friends you could ever hope to have agreed to keep all of the shit he'd packed in the car until the came to Houston for Christmas.
Anyway. I'm tired and feel very well vented as of right now so I'm gonna call it a night.. Next time I'll tell you what it's like to live with your parents with a kid and no car for 4 months!
Because I'm sure people care...
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