This shit is hard.

No one ever tells you that a good portion of your marriage will be spent infuriated, inhaling a cigarette and a glass of wine. Welp, it will. But we suck it up, apologize (even when we know we're right) and get on with our lives. Sometimes just for the make-up sex, sometimes just to get your partner to shut up, but most of the time it's because we can't stand fighting with them. The thought of saying or doing something to them you know you'll regret puts a knot in your stomach you can't shake. Because every snide remark, stab at your in-laws, and comment about how they've put on a few pounds puts another tiny little notch in the riff between you two that will inevitably turn into a vast Canyon if they don't subside.

I guess I'm saying all of this because I have finally realized that I really, truly love my husband. He is angry, confusing, dirty, irritating and absolutely wonderful. He is human. He tries so, incredibly hard to make me and our daughter happy. I don't deserve his love. I deserve to grow old all alone. I'm selfish and unforgiving and horrible. I am human. But for some reason, God chose him to love me. And he does a damn good job of it.

It's hard being a military family. It's especially hard being a happy military family. Because it's hard to be a family when someone is always gone. I think that's why it's so hard for me to let go of all of my selfish impulses. It's hard to give up on what I want for someone that'd never there. But he seems to do it even when he's not here so maybe my lazy ass should try a little harder Huh?

I feel like I'm going in circles now, rambling about how hard it all is. The point is, I don't think it needs to be. All I need to do it remember that he, too, is a child of God. He is magnificent in all of his flaws because they are what make my Zach, Zach. All I need to do is look at him now and I'll remember how blessed I am to call him my husband. Isn't that what we all want?

I was looking at my phone a little while ago and a picture of Jo sleeping on Zach popped up and I thought about how he doesn't appeal to me anymore. I started looking at him trying to see what other people see when they tell me he's handsome and I finally started seeing the beauty in all of the things I always saw as flaws. God made every single thing about him therefore every single thing is beautiful. In my eyes God was just waiting on me to fix my relationship with Him before I could fix my relationship with Zach.

I'm always so hesitant to bring anything about religion up to Zach. He quit believing a long time ago so I felt like fixing us through God wouldn't work if it was just me.  I see now that it's not true. I need to fix me through God which will, in turn, fix us. So if I keep my eyes on God everything else will fall in to place.